empty arms

I know many of you will have no idea what I'm writing about.  And that's okay.  

But did you know that empty arms can seem so, so heavy?  

Did you know that your arms can literally ache to hold your child 

and that your heart aches even more to be called a mother.  

Your ears desperately want to hear a baby's cry or the little laughs and squeals of a child as he or she runs around, giggling with delight.  

You wish you could get up at 2 in the morning, and 3 in the morning, and 4 in the morning to rock and hold your baby close.  

You can just barely smell that new baby smell and when your friend's baby spits up on you, you don't mind at all.  In fact, you actually like it, because it smells like you've been holding a baby.  It reminds you that being a mother is the most precious thing.  

When we had an adoption scam, for a brief moment we thought - this could be it.  We could finally be parents.  

Our arms ache so badly to hold our children.  

And our hearts hurt even more.  

Our families are hurting.  

I know our parents want to be grandparents and our siblings, aunts and uncles. 

And I know Richard would drop everything to be able to be a dad.  

We can't wait to find our little that is meant to be ours. 

if you came over today.

If you came over today, I'd invite you in out of the rain.  I would ask you if you wanted to take your shoes off and get comfy.  I'd give you a red mug full of steaming hot chocolate because there is just something about cozying up with hot chocolate, no matter the season.  Especially on a rainy day.

If you came over today, I would ask how you are and I would be so excited to listen to your stories about life.  I would tell you about Richard and I and how we are making it one day at a time.

If you came over today, I would tell you that I'm trying to learn to not waste my time, that it is a bad habit I've gotten into over the past few years.  I would tell you that I'm learning to do the things that matter most.  I would tell you that I am loving reading the scriptures more and more each day and that reading them just fills me with light.

If you came over today, you would see a huge mess of paper and crafting supplies.  I might ask you to help me make some mail for the Young Women's camp that I'm in charge of next week.  I might ask you to cut some paper or write up a cute quote.

If you came over today, Carly would be so happy to see you!  She would jump up and sit on your lap and cry until you pet her.  She would bring you her toys and would want you to take her on a walk.

If you came over today, I would ask you to stay for dinner.  I would tell you that we are probably having fish and chips (our version of a Great Britain meal - nothing fancy though).  You could help me cut the potatoes and bake them in the oven for some delicious fries.  We could make a fancy dessert together or maybe, if it had stopped raining, we could ride our bikes over to the local ice cream stand where they make the best soft served ice cream you might ever have.

If you came over today, I would show you our nursery and ask you to pray that our little baby might find his or her way there soon.  I would show you how we are almost done decorating and the little baby clothes we recently bought.  I would excitedly tell you about the little baby projects I want to work on.

If you came over today, it would sure be a lovely time.

sweet summertime

We have been enjoying beautiful summertime weather over here.  Richard is done with finals and I'm almost done teaching for the year.  We are loving our crazy and wild life over here! 

our beautiful tree outside our house

My brothers and Richard enjoying some carnival food

delicious deep fried oreos!

My two brothers and I

We are growing lettuce! 

Washington D.C.'s Eastern Market

We ended our Saturday in D.C. with a trip to our favorite monument, the World War 2 monument. 

We love summertime!  We have also been doing a lot of strawberry picking, bike riding, and dog walking.  We are so excited for more summer adventures including a family reunion, my brother's wedding, and time with friends! 

Beautiful Song

This video features my favorite song about adoption.  It's called Delivery by Cheri Call.  It's on a beautiful CD about adoption called Chosen.  When we were in the initial process of getting approved for adoption a dear and sweet friend sent us this CD and I probably listen to it at least once a week.  It is a beautiful CD for anyone touched by adoption including adoptive couples, birth parents, and adopted children.

on a few random updates

Life has been a little busy over here but I wanted to give a few updates on us and what we're up to!

1.  A few months ago we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary!  Woot Woot!  We didn't do anything exciting but had a fun and quiet day at home together.  We watched a BYU game, went out for dinner, and did some shopping at our favorite store:  Target!  

2.  We bought a crib for the nursery!  I will post pictures of it soon!  It is beautiful and I love it! 

3.  We celebrated St. Patrick's day in style with green desserts at a dessert party.  

4.  Currently we are a bunch of sickies.  Richard and I are both sick and the poor puppy threw up this morning.  But on the upside:  I didn't have to work this week anyways since it is my spring break!  

5.  It is my spring break!  Yay!  I have big plans to sit on the couch...and probably do some fun projects.  Oh and a few not so fun projects like clean out the car and organize the files.  

6.  We went to a used book sale at the library and came home with a few new books...and pink eye.  

7.  We have been working in our garden and we planted a strawberry plant!  I love it!  

8.  We had a water fight in the kitchen after Richard scared me when I was getting a drink.  To get him back I proceeded to dump my drink on his head...which may have led to a water fight in the kitchen.  :)    

on faith.

It takes faith to do most things.  

Faith to leave home, faith to follow a dream, faith to start a new career, 

and faith to start a family.  

President Monson says "your future is as bright as your faith."  

And I believe that.  I believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us.  

A beautiful, wonderful, amazing plan.

I feel like our little family's faith has been tested time and time again.  

First we had to have the faith to start our family.  

Then we had to have the faith to keep trying when things were hard and not working.  

We had to have faith to go to the doctors and to find out bad news.  

We had to have faith to start looking into adoption.  

We continue to have faith in adoption.  

I feel like our faith has had to grow and expand and become stronger.  

I've always had faith in the gospel and in my Heavenly Father and in my Savior.  

But now it has been tough.  

It is sometimes a challenge to keep the faith when so many prayers seemingly go unanswered.  

But I think it's saying something that we continue to offer those prayers and we continue to not only believe, but know, that all our prayers are and will be answered. 

I know our faith and our testimonies are being tested. 
Because it's for our good. 

It is Better to Look Up {our nursery pictures}.

"Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance—and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction."

- Carl B. Cook (It is Better to Look Up Ensign November 2011) 

When Richard and I first moved into our new place the room we had picked out for a nursery just held a few random things.  We were still going through a grieving process and while hopeful for the future, we were apprehensive and sad.  But over time I started to place things in the nursery.  First a black chair that we had originally bought for a nursery back in 2007.  Then a few toys and dolls.  And then when we were getting closer to getting approved we got a few things from a yard sale. 

  After getting officially approved I decided I wanted to really decorate and get our nursery ready.  Even though we don't know how much longer we will be waiting.  I wanted to be ready.  I wanted to have a little nursery full of light and happiness.  And so I decided on a bird theme.  A blue bird theme.  The blue bird of happiness.  And because my mom loves birds.  She has a beautiful bird garden in her backyard and is helping me to do the same in my backyard.  I also picked the colors blue, green, and  yellow for our nursery.  To me they seem to say sky, grass, and sunshine.  And so we've been decorating and lovingly filling our nursery with happy things.  It's not done yet.  We don't even have a crib yet and we don't have pictures or things on the walls yet but we're getting closer. 

 Because we're trying to remember that it is better to look up.